Depression.. from the inside out

This post was written by one of our members who suffer from Bi-Polar Depression, and is meant to give non-sufferers a better perspective on what depression loos like, from the inside out. The content is harsh but creates a clear picture of what depression feels like, but unfortunately after a few months the writer is still in search of the right treatment, so the happy ending you may be looking for is still pending…

Again, please remember that even though this is a very personal look at depression, help is available from SADAG and your local medical practitioner, and we will be starting a support group for sufferers (or those who are close to sufferers and wish to learn more) on the first Wednesday of July this year. Speak to Tracy or Zane at SADAG for more information on this.

Depression

Depression is a dark place. It is hole inside of me. It is the feeling of hopelessness that grips me too tight. Its something I wouldn’t wish on an enemy. Empty but full of pain. Sometimes I feel numb and other times it hurts so badly I want to die.  When I wake up it holds me down, “there is no point in getting out of bed”, it says. It is very strong. It tells me I am nothing, that no one cares. This intense darkness pulls at me and cackles at me when I try to move forward. I feel as if I am a burden to all that know me. Depression pushes me so far down I feel I have no one that could possible help me, I can’t even help me. I don’t even care if I get help or not.

Life just feels pointless. Why do I need to get out of bed? I can’t accomplish anything and if I did, why would it matter? I just hurt people around me by being alive but I will hurt them if I die. Nothing I do is ever good enough. People say that it is just a temporary feeling but I have felt like this for a very long time with no end in sight.

What is the point of life? I have lost most of my friends because I just don’t have the energy to fight when they get tired of me, I don’t have the energy to talk to people.

Depression drains me of all energy. I am told that exercising will help get rid of depression or at least bring my mood up. How can I do that when I have no energy? My spirit is crushed because of depression. I just get tired of fighting sometimes and sleep away my days. Some days it isn’t so bad but then it slaps me in the face as if it had played a cruel joke, letting me think I was feeling better. I tumble down into the dark hole again.

It makes me want to die but it also tells me that the people around me will mourn my going. So I live for them but is it really living when I die inside every day, every moment?

I don’t understand how it is fair that anyone would have to through this pain, this hopelessness, this agony of depression.

It is a wound that can not be seen. People who have never experienced it look at me as if I am crazy. They say things like “just cheer up”, “its not that bad”, you are fine”, the list could go on. Just because they cannot see it, they discredit it as if it were a fake. I promise you it is real and it hurts more than a physical wound. It is heavy and dark. I look “normal” on the outside. No one can see my pain.

It makes me feel as if I have no future. How could I possibly have a future? I am such a stupid person, a reject, someone who is not worthy of anything. I am not able to function properly, I sleep too much, sleep too little, eat too much, don’t eat at all. Why does this horrible thing exist. If I have no future why am I even here?

My depression is linked with self harm. “I don’t deserve to be happy, I just deserve the pain I have and I deserve more pain, I deserve physical pain too”. It also takes the focus off inner pain to the physical pain. It is not right, it is quite messed up but it is a drastic measure that is taken by many.

Most days I feel like I am too far gone to even exist. I cry a lot and it hurts. It really hurts having depression. People want to help but I push them away because I don’t see how they possibly could. When I have no point in living and no future, how can someone change that? Depression is a terrible companion, a darkness that you cannot explain, an emptiness that persists…

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